Friday, January 27, 2012

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

***Warning long post, but I decided to put this all together rather than posting at separate times, it drives me crazy when I have to wait to read part 2 of someones story so I am not going to do that. :)***

"Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder"

I have always agreed with this saying for the most part and this has proved to be true with blogging for me. You may be confused; why the absence and why did you need the heart to grow fonder? So I will try to explain my feelings and thoughts at the time when I decided to take a (very long) bloggy break.

When I first started this blog I enjoyed posting occasionally and reading other's blogs for craft ideas, money saving tips, and pure entertainment. I never really felt like I had to much to blog about. When we found out we were expecting our bundle of joy I enjoyed blogging about my experiences with pregnancy, giving baby updates, and basically just chronicling our journey through pregnancy. I also knew that once little miss arrived I would have even more to say. Although having a baby did provide a lot of opportunities for great posts, blogging was the furthest thing from my mind.

As soon as Layla was born I started feeling anxiety about going back to work. Each day after her birth was one day closer to the day I would have to go back to work and I was dreading it. For the 12 weeks I was home with her I soaked up every single solitary second that I could with her. I didn't go anywhere with friends, grocery shop unless she was sleeping, or really spend any time away from her. I realize this may sound crazy, but in my head she needed me and honestly I needed her. I was so afraid to miss something. I would get housework and other things done while she napped. If she was awake I was either holding her, sitting next to her, or had at least some sort of interaction. I did not understand why I was like this, but looking back I guess I was thinking that if I could spend as much time with her while I had the chance then once the time came for me to return to work, I would feel better about it. Boy was I wrong!

For the 2 weeks leading up to when I went back to work I cried daily. At night I would cry so hard, you know the kind where you are crying so hard you actually physically have an ugly face. I could tell that although Ryan was trying to comfort me, he had no idea how much this bothered me. I tried to be rational at times, knowing that going back to work was the only option, but I always thought what if? or maybe? we could figure out a way. Thanks goodness Ryan was my patient source of reality because otherwise I would have made a total emotional only decision and quit my job. Once the time came for me to go back to work I did it and I actually held up pretty well. Perhaps I was all cried out?

I thought that once I went back to work and I was back in to some sort of a routine I would start back to blogging and this is just what I did. I blogged a few times and starting catching up on my favorite blogs to read (most of which went through pregnancy right along with me). This is when the feelings of resentment, sadness, and jealousy started. I found myself being so angry and jealous of all the moms on here that get to stay home with their babies. It ate at me and reading these just validated that I had made the wrong decision and because of certain things going on in our life there was nothing I could do about it. It was then that I decided that I would just stop; stop writing and stop reading. My closest friends that have kids, also work so it was with them that I found comfort in and by not reading I was able to keep my frustration with the whole situation at bay for the most part.

I will try to better explain our situation and why going back to work was the only decision for us at the time. I work for a big aerospace company in Missouri and my husband is part-owner in a family pest control business. My job has decent pay, a flexible work schedule, and amazing benefits. My husband is still the main breadwinner although when you own your own business it lacks the benefits of company paid insurance, 401k, all those things we at one time took for granted. We also knew that we wanted to sell our 3 bedroom, 1200 sq. ft. ranch and move into a bigger house with a great school district before I quit my job. When you own your own business it is very had to get a loan, especially in the more recent years. So we knew that we had to have my income backing to get a loan, even though I made considerably less than he did, my income is considered more stable to mortgage companies.

So the plan was to sell our house, buy a new house, gets everything set up financially so we could afford to pay for our own insurance, and then I would begin my career as a SAHM. Well it took awhile to sell our house and even once we did that we could not find the perfect house for us. We ended up moving in with my in-laws for 3 months and then finally August 30th we closed on our new home. I was thrilled! This meant that soon enough I would be home every day with my sweet girl. Once we started adding up the costs of getting the house the way we wanted we knew that it was best to wait until the spring before I quit. The winter months are the slowest for the bug business naturally. Around the same time my SIL went back to work from her maternity leave and I had someone who knew exactly what I was going through. She too worked, booked all of her husband's appointments for the bug business, all while being a mommy too and wishing we was not away from her as much. Not long after she was back at work her and husband decided that she would be quitting her job. Once again the feelings of jealousy started up. But for some reason instead closing off from her we would talk about the challenges of being a working mom, owning a business, and for her the challenges of owning a business and a staying at home every day with your baby.

One day it just hit me. No one way is the correct way, every family has to decide what is best for them in the short-term and the long-term. And all decisions have their positives and negetives. Although I sometimes still feel sad about not getting as much time as I would like with Layla or the times where I get so frustrated at all the things I have to juggle, most days are good. I know that I am doing what is best for Layla. We get to go on fun trips, she will grow up in a beautiful home in a top ranked school district, and while she doesn't get spoiled we can afford to get the special things for her. I work 33 hours (which is considered part time at my company, but is the minimum hours you can work and still get benefits), I do calls and appointments for the business on my day off, some evenings, and weekends. My husband takes care of all the paperwork, record keeping, marketing, and growth opportunities. This is working for us and we know that Layla loves her days with her grandmas and her one day with Miss Sarah at daycare. This works very well for a our little family and I will not be quitting in the spring. We will continue to get financially set so that once the day comes for be to SAHM and bug lady (lol) there will not be any regrets and we can live comfortably. Once our next LO comes (no definite plans as to when that may be) I will transition into life without a big girl job. :

So there it is my whole story on why I avoided the world of blogging. And NOW I am ready, ready to share and ready to read. I am looking forward to seeing the experiences of all types of moms all while knowing that each one does what they do because it is what is best for them and their family. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

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